when you look at me do you see me

Moving

2012-01-04T00:30:00.000+08:00

Moving on.....

flyed.tumblr.com

Though Not Quite

2012-01-02T06:00:00.003+08:00

There's a reason for everything.
/
There Ought to be a reason for everything,
Though not quite.

Remember that time when we sat on the wood planked floor beside the quietly churning pool, separating ourselves from the party of people and bad music;
we were talking about the oddity of ourselves, and how strange it was, that at once we seemed to be talking about the same person, though not quite.

We had questions with no answers, we concur but so what, sympathies that do not console - i learnt nothing more than that there is no hope -
What hope is there for the world, when Love is not enough?

and so the real issue lies in whether you love yourself more than the other, rather than who loves who more. Love isn't a competition. Though by saying this i am subscribing to the notion that 'Love is selfless'. YES - i am precisely saying that, though (i just thought about this) does it make sense to concur with Love being 'selfless' but not with it being 'unconditional'?

Truth is, even for those who love themselves more than others, there will also be people willing to love such a person with all their hearts. Like Vivian, who gives her whole heart to a selfish bastard. We don't know how she does it but we know she's being an idiot - we know that she knows it too, and we keep her secret.

I guess it boils down to an issue of compatibility, then. If it feels right, then i suppose it is. And the vagueness in this [answer] just goes to show how in Love, there can be no absoluteness at all, only uncertainty.

We dip our feet in the water and pray that it gives more than it takes. Strung along the silence is a subtle voiceless awareness that all the 'hardships' we spoke of were self-afflictions from imaginary frameworks - because the realest question is 'what you can live with vs. what you want to live with'. though not quite.

2011-12-15T17:30:00.002+08:00

Q

what do you think about a person whose best work is born only when he is gripped with sadness?
and what would say to such a person, who is fearful at the prospect of losing said sadness?

*

this winter season is evidently much quieter than previous years.
i write less
usually at this time of the year, i am barely holding myself together, all sorts of emotions rushing out through my fingertips, a game/battle between my typing them out and them bursting through my integument.

this year everything seems a rush, of what i know not; rushed blank days, rushed gatherings, rushed vacation, rushed christmas parties; and can you believe it, that at the end of all this rushing, everything that was on the agenda way before the rushing began was left undone...

i am a fluster of thoughts.

A

a. don't
b. be brave
c. quit

2011-12-10T06:12:00.002+08:00

you are like the sea--
a vessel of endless water, enabling all living things.
any creature that comes to use you, anything that is thrown towards you, you take them all in, and remain a surface of calm and tranquility.

whereas i am untameable and unpredictable
a selfish existence that cares for noone but her own continual changes, unrelenting in having her own way, a countenance that shows not what she thinks--
i am like the sea too

2011-11-17T16:44:00.003+08:00

You had both feet out of the doorway and I'm not sure if you can come back,
if i can let you back.
It was before I gave up, that I had left the door open, the key under the carpet, a note saying "I'm still right here".
But you only rang the doorbell and disappeared
Like a prankster everytime

My memory of you reduced to just a voice behind the telephone;
But you left behind a ghost
Who rattles the blinds
Knocks over the flower vase
Spills magnets on the floor
And makes the phone shriek

Just to tell me we're still 'bestfriends'
And that our favorite band is coming to town
I don't believe in ghosts.
Much less
A ghost who wants me to see him
but wouldn't show his face

2011-11-03T10:47:00.002+08:00

Am I expecting too much from people?
But I only expect what I myself would deliver.
So then, am I willing to do too much for people who are not willing to do the same for me?
Does this imbalance show that I love you more, or that the way I love is abnormally intense?
If so, should I then love less, love only those who love in the same way as me, or just expect less and settle with disappointment?

2011-10-06T21:37:00.002+08:00

In this quiet corner I wish for complete darkness.
Holding solace between two shaking fingers
If I can see noone, noone can see me.
And I silently shift into a separate dimension
Where my soul is mine alone, absorbing the falsetto of Sigur Ros like a hymn
While my body struggles to contain it
between racking bones.

2011-10-03T03:05:00.001+08:00

I should have said it there and then.
Now the moment has expired, I can't say it out of the blue, but still the thought continues to bug me.
And i can do nothing but swallow back my words
Convince myself it's unimportant and that you were only joking
Berate myself for being so easily devastated
And focus on not drowning.

2011-09-18T15:58:00.003+08:00

And very suddenly I began to weep, I weep for all the lost persons, time, pieces of myself that I have given away and can never have back.
I weep in anxiety with the thought that you might leave me.
We are baring our skeletons and I felt like I've committed the greatest sin.
You tell me, my dear, even with knowledge of your past, I still love you the same.
I believe you but still I feel crushed...
You pinky promised.
I don't fear your love, I fear never being able to look into your eyes again.
I fear hallucinating clouds over your clear eyes.
I fear my skin dripping guilt.

And if this destroys us it will be entirely my fault.

2011-09-12T18:44:00.004+08:00

i exist between planes of longing and dread.
breathe deep, exhale out the feeling in bellows of smoke..
keep the weather from getting under my skin.

2011-08-31T14:40:00.003+08:00

You read me like an open book. And for a moment, confusion, I couldn't decide if I was glad or ashamed.
Half of me wants to lie in your embrace while the other half wants to put an arms length in between us.
Would I be safer giving myself to you or to stay in my own shell?
I feel queasy and nauseated, underwater again and again I always feel like I'm underwater
You look at me, expectant of a reply, but what if I simply couldn't give one what then?
Yesterday was a day filled with love.
But don't let me get used to it, when I start to expect it or want it by then it will be too late.
When I start to recognize it's absence it will be too late.

2011-08-16T00:32:00.002+08:00

been grieving over the loss of a very close friend.
not that this person had passed away, but in essence it's the same thing, he had died in my life. of course i had seen this coming, like a wave rolling in from afar, but this doesn't lessen the intensity with which it hit me.
now just a profound sadness stacking lead weight in my heart.
i will never get used to this.

peeling off scabs to old wounds so they bleed afresh again.

2011-07-09T04:35:00.002+08:00

sometimes i think i'm hard to love.
confessions leave me paralysed, and i buckle in all directions from arms that try to wrap me tight.
i don't know why.
maybe i have a problem with commitment.
maybe i just want to be my own person.
i think i am so detached from my emotions that i have become incapable of feeling for others. it is horrendous that i am so cold, so cold.

4:46am

heart pounding like a drum.
watching vampire diaries at night is so not a good idea........

6:18am

there's something beautiful and alluring about the dangerous and mysterious.
a part of our souls that are always drawn to the dark side,
a fatal human condition to desire knowledge of the unknown.

7:03am

bye-bye, blackbird

7:08am

2011-07-07T19:55:00.003+08:00

drowsy without a coffee. i wonder if its terrible to allow something external control one's functionality so thoroughly.. if this is considered an enslavement, a restriction of freedom (or whatever bodily freedom we were initially born with)? but therein provides a comfort; slipping into my little daily routines, a coffee when i start my day, then i count five hours till my next coffee. and when i sip it i think: this keeps me awake, this keeps me sane.

8:08pm

so i read that one shouldn't try to write, or try to be creative.
don't try at all.
let it come to you, like a breeze across the sea, like a storm over the earth.
that's what i do now: open a blank page, and write only when it comes.

8:15pm

"there's a bluebird in my heart that
wants to get out
but i'm too tough for him,
i say, stay down, do you want to mess me up?"

8:24pm

(you don't have to sympathise)

12.17am

i don't know you, but i care about you, now tell me, do you find that strange?
the way you sometimes lock my eyes and smile (twice, intentionally)
makes me feel worried for feeling a little bit special in case i've mistaken.
thinking about you more than i should, rehearsing what to say when i next see you, wondering if you'll miss me too..
i lose.

12.27am

grab a beer and disappear, with me

1.13am

2011-07-07T01:27:00.005+08:00

i have an exceptional range of interests, but because of that i move from one thing to another too quickly. i would like to master everything if i could.
but this is a confession that i get bored easily, if you can tell.

1:48am

'knowledge is power'.
yes, but power to do what?

1:58am

the content of a person is judged by his thoughts.
when we die these thoughts die along with us..
feels somewhat alarming, to vanish from this world without a trace.
why waste the time while you are alive behaving like someone you're not?
come to terms with the fact that the only person you can be is yourself.

2:22am

do you know where your heart is?
or did you trade it for something?

3:00am

i am dishing out slices of my heart again.
but still i remain cautious, fearful of having none left, and none reciprocated.
just thinking of how many more times i have to repeat this makes me feel tired.
these things require an unnaturally large amount of energy from me, but somehow, i never seem to be able to hold on to friendships.

3.20am

crawling back into my shell again.

4.10am

2011-06-16T19:55:00.005+08:00

i had forgotten how i missed talking to yijun.
a hearty chat with her just a few days ago made me realise this very apparently, and it was registered in my consciousness for the first time that with her, i can let my guard down. its a wonderful feeling to be completely comfortable with another person. no need to maintain a certain image, to stay cautious, as if letting [too much] of your own [personality] spill through will ruin everything.
we (or at least i) are too often like that with too many people. and that sort of friendship is skinny.
unsubstantiated friendships collapse easily, and perhaps (because i'm not exactly sure myself) 'Time' is an important factor for aforementioned 'substantiation'.
My friends who are dear to me, but can never make time for me, just slide and slide... further away from me, into a realm i cannot reach.
Friendships i was absolutely sure will triumph against the smashing of violent tides, in this way, they too became skinny.

My mind has been returning to this topic a lot lately.
I can sense people leaving me, and this makes me feel nervous.
Nervous because the precise timing of this exodus is unforeseeable, and its outcome only predict a greater emptiness, a deepening of the (already present) chasm.
Nervous at my stark powerlessness in preventing it.
There's this odd erected barrier thingy going on, it's making me feel so frustrated and nervy i'm on the edge of exploding.
it's making me so dizzy.

2011-06-06T19:56:00.002+08:00

I was thinking about contradictions while keying in my password, and typed in 'contradiction' instead.

Recent conversations with my younger sister were meaningful and thought-provoking, they take place in the wee hours of the night when my mind is quiet and churning. Usually the thoughts have already been turned over in my head multiple times but talking about them aloud probes me to think them over more, the need to express them in lucid sentences/phrases forces me to be clear about them rather than have broad unsorted ideas. Feels comfortable, folding [these thoughts] into neat squares and stacking them into shelves in my head.

'Alone time' is contradicting, because while I yell about not having enough of it, I feel anxious whenever i do. The imperative to face myself, reluctant, because this business of talking to myself like a mad hatter is fearful, nauseating, and no good can come from it.

2011-05-27T03:30:00.003+08:00

We're lying down, in the middle of the basketball court, naming the constellations.
You're talking intensely about God and the symbolic significance of his Commandments;
An undertone of excitement rippling beneath your wisdom, like a child eager to display what he has newly learnt...
She makes occasional grunts of acknowledgement and answers your Socratic questions.
I play the part of the uninterrupting listener.

You're discussing Adam and Eve: it's about obedience, sin, Rules that set us free...
I guess I accept your Answers too, but I have my own theories centered around 'Love'.
My soul disquiet; I think 'Sin' is a cutting word.

But from your words I sense a certain warmth, like God's arms embracing me, gently tucking me in under this blanket of stars
His big hands smoothing my brows, the tender touch of stardust..
I liked hearing God's name again.
Your nasal voice becomes the loveliest melody, your words the most beautiful lyrics.
Absorb His grace through every pore, take everything in.
I soak in this splendour, marveling God's diamonds
Counting the number of frauds.

2011-05-22T05:22:00.005+08:00

Things i never forget.

How we used to lie on your bed every weekend, how you would pull my head onto your chest, and I would fall asleep..
And dream like a baby would. Hands and faces and worlds.
You cooked the best pastas and whispered the sweetest words.
*
How we were too lazy to go outside, content with a space containing just the two of us.
You would lift me up to sit on your kitchen counter, our lips engaging..
On what our mouths want to eat.
*
How we were... I recently remembered that I once beheld you as the most beautiful person in the world.
I had forgotten and I'm sorry.
I remember it now, how your eyes crinkled when your thin lips smiled.
*
How you would pat me twice on the head, and kiss me tenderly..
Your Shea-butter-smell.

I learnt from somewhere, that our lives are a sequence of rooms, and what makes up our lives are these rooms and the people in it.
I like the idea of our lives being a sequence of rooms.
Little packets of smells and feelings and conversations
Then finally when the time comes, I will leave quietly, and shut the door.

The rooms remain untouched in my memory like frozen fragments of time.
I visit them every now and then, and let the illusions consume me.

2011-05-22T05:07:00.001+08:00

Someday my pain

2011-05-17T18:02:00.002+08:00

The house quiet, the steps quiet
The time of the day when people are somewhere
And doing things

The growing agitation, the air electric
The sky turning dark not because it's twilight..
It's hungry for release

Feelings, like clothes draped on bamboo poles
Limp.
And drenched, because we forgot to keep them in

2011-05-03T05:29:00.003+08:00

It's soon to be my birthday again. I hate it, because it's a reminder of how I haven't grown stronger at all.
On my birthdays I always think of death. It's ironic and I'm sorry.

But it seems like I'm preparing myself for that day.
Drawing this neat circle around me, refusing to let anyone step in, refusing to let anyone rely on me.
Because I'm that unreliable, because I'm a person, whom, may anytime leave.

2011-05-03T04:52:00.002+08:00

Been spending tons of money on clothes bags shoes and whatnot, and it just occurred to me lately that I may be trying to use these frivolous things to fill up my void. 'Retail therapy'- they even have a term for it- except it's an inexorable vicious cycle, because my void is endless.

2011-04-18T14:53:00.002+08:00

Archi and ID aptitude test/ interview are finally over, i would like to think that I aced them but so often my confidence is misplaced.
At least, in that aspect, I can put off my worry till June.
Can't wait to start schooling, I can feel my brain retarding like wisps of cloud that dissipate into the empty blue sky.
Picking up my novels again.
Currently re-reading Norwegian Wood, after watching the movie two days back.
The movie, what can I say, I didn't like it much.
Poor scripting and directing, switched monologues, characters popping up too abruptly/randomly.
Poignant scenes were stretched and lingering, which I felt was apt, but the movie in it's entirety felt fragmented and incomplete.
The way each scene was stitched together felt almost arbitrary..
I wouldn't have understood it at all had I not already read the book.
And so I'm reading Norwegian Wood again, risking over-indentifying myself with Murakami's characters and their wounded spirits.

"All I'm left holding is a background, pure scenery, with no people at the front." (Murakami/Norwegian Wood)

Reminds me of how I feel so utterly detached from people/the world these days.
I look at the world through apathetic eyes, like an outsider, everything filtered through two or three layers of glass, in between which is a vacuum. My friends, family, people in general are over on that side, while I am here and alone.
My feelings are suspended in that vacuum between 'here' and 'there'.
Which means they are not with me now, which means I feel nothing.
Sometimes when I try to fall asleep at night I try, forcefully, to elicit some form of emotion.
Am I happy? Do I anticipate tomorrow? Life is great!
Maybe I'm sad? Lonely? Cry!

I settle myself to sleep everynight pretending I'm comatose or dead.

"Stuck inside this suffocating contradiction, I went on endlessly spinning in circles. Those were strange days, now that I look back at them. In the midst of life, everything revolved around death."
(Murakami/Norwegian Wood)

2011-04-06T22:54:00.001+08:00

When god extends his graceful hand and reaches down to you, you ought to take it, not turn your back away.

Life is a mundane cycle of 'ok' days and bad days.
Can't help against feeling awful and miserable over [miscellaneous] sorrows.
It's a sickening feeling that I can't remedy with a quick outburst of uncontrollable tears and then feel better.
This, it penetrates into your bones like a hypothermia.

Like that scene of the final catharsis, there's laughter and fresh snow, but then the scene switches to that defenseless and ridiculously optimistic girl who remains entrapped in the palms of the sadistic psychopath. Everyone wishes for her safety, she has accepted her circumstance, but no one can rid that horrid oppressive feeling that still lingers overhead.

We're left exposed and vulnerable, heart still raw at the edges, threading gingerly on the temporary calm.

2011-03-22T23:53:00.003+08:00

I'm not safe even in my own head.
So maybe I'm waiting for someone to read my mind. I know that's not right, but it'll be nice to have someone whom, beneath my clown act, can tell that I'm not alright inside. Being able to identify my moods is not enough... "I know you're angry, I know you're sad.."
afterwhich we both stand, helpless, both wishing there was something that could be done.

I wish we went for supper today. Because in an odd way, being around you cheers me up.
Although we're brothers and I behave like a retard around you, your presence is a comfort...
And the alternative to being a clown is being a pathetic sop.

I'd like to delude myself into thinking that I'm perfectly fine by myself. At least that's how I portray myself to be, and I also hate to admit that sometimes I'm not. I'd also like to attribute my lousy moods to my womanly periods, but I know deep down that that's just letting myself off the hook.. I hate that I sound so weak, and what a joke, when on the exterior I appear as a cold-hearted bitch.

everything is beautiful and nothing hurts

2011-03-20T22:17:00.005+08:00

On my way to work today, a man sitting next to me in the train told me that I am 'beautiful'. It was so random, but sweet of him, as it came from sheer impulse to tell someone sincerely how he feels. *edit: and I didn't have any make up on.
It felt nice, and it made me think that more people should be like that. Too many people say these things with some other motive, like 'you're beautiful can I have your number', 'you're beautiful and I want to sleep with you'. It gets repulsive and I resent that people throw praises about as a tool to achieve something else. On the other hand, some of us keep mum because we feel inhibited to talk to strangers, feels taboo/ breaching the social contract. But it is a pleasant thing, to tell someone she/he's beautiful simply because you feel she/he ought to know..

Sidenote: I also found out that he is mixed French and Spanish. Ha ha.

Finally met up with Claudia after work, had a hearty chat over dinner(Xiao long bao@din tai fong). Claudia's an amazing person; sharp, mature, and always herself. Also, one of my true friends (emphasize: true). It's great how we still get along so well after not meeting up for close to two years(something I always regret but fail to amend), but that shows the quality of our friendship. We complained about boys, discussed uni apps, and I sat there thinking to myself, my she looks so grown up now. Not as how a parent looks proudly at his child, but as in awe of how far we've come. She was sparkling, in contrast with my world-weariness. Silver glittering eyeliner in contrast with the black meant to hide my eyes(in attempt to hide my thoughts). Meeting her today was great. I should like to sparkle one day. Xox

2011-03-19T10:04:00.005+08:00

I'm not quite sure if my reaction now should be 'apologise', 'keep it inside', or 'don't ever speak to me again'.
In this case none of us were right but which one more wrong?
From whichever angle I look at it, I may sympathize but above that, accusations blare in my head.
YOU ARE WRONG
YOU ARE UNBELIEVABLE
YOU ARE TOO FUCKED UP
DONT YOU DARE SPEAK TO ME AGAIN
pondering upon these hurtful irretractables, wish I could as easily stab you in the face with them.
The Chinese tradition prizes filial piety as almost an order that lords over our actions/thoughts.
Nothing overrides your parents' demands/commands:you can't talk back, nor show your anger, nor defy their wishes. You can only apologize and submit to them like they're fucking kings and queens.
I respect my parents, but THERE IS A FUCKING LINE, a threshold by which after you cross it there will be explicatives thrown back at you.
We are not waging war, but neither are we rag dolls.
What you need aren't children, but dogs. They'll probably still love you no matter how much you thresh them.

2011-03-13T18:17:00.003+08:00

Industrial Design!

Is the course I'm going to apply for, seems perfect for me (and vice versa).
NUS open house today, I had a fun time with Haneef, and the ID majors I spoke with were amazing.
All absolutely friendly and at least they look like they have lives. I told them my grades and they went "oh, that's really good!" which made me cock an eyebrow, and waves of assurance rolled throughout my body. I'm really psyched! But keeping expectations low, just in case. On the off-chance I don't get in, oh my god I don't know. For nineteen years this is how I operate: find something that captures my interest, then that's it. Bulldoze straight in that general direction, everything else swept clean from my sight. Nothing else has any place in my heart. That means I have no back-up plans, no alternative to consider, and if I fail I'm doomed. Ha ha ha.. (i get that this is actually severe/not funny)

Anyhow, things are rather smooth-sailing, and I have several things to be upbeat about. I finally bought my Sennheiser headphones at the IT Show yesterday! Small white foldable ones, emphasize white. It looks so pretty! Good sound as well, could do better on bass, but otherwise very clean detailed sound on acoustic vocals.

This is the sound of settling. (/via @jongolia)

This is the crisp sound of recovery, it's the sound of the unlocking and the lift away.

2011-03-08T22:38:00.002+08:00

This feels good, I feel calm and sedated just sitting here, the cold night air against my skin.
I had expected to feel differently after our results are now no longer a secret, but still I am right here waiting for something to happen.
It is one thing to be anticipating, the thing is, I don't even know what/why I'm for waiting for, if only god will tell me and vanquish this horrid nagging feeling. Everything is chaos around me, the walls I painstakingly built are disintegrating.. I have but two hands/ten fingers, and the fabric is ripping much faster than I can hold together. It's really coming apart now, and I can only watch mouth agape and take it all in.

I have a playlist in my ipod named 'Illinois:', it stores all the songs that nurse my sadness. I'm not sure why I named it Illinois:, I just think it sounds... City-like yet small town, how the letters placed side by side in that manner reverbs a sound of [loneliness], picture sweeping grasslands with [nothing] richocheting off [nothing]. I don't even know how Illinois looks like, but since young I liked how it sounds.

2011-03-06T03:02:00.003+08:00

Decisions, Indecisions.

This is a crucial moment, and I am afraid to step off on the wrong foot. Stay on the safe shore till I am certain and it feels right, but nothing is ever certain and how should I know what 'right' feels like? You will know it when it comes, but what if I only realize in hindsight and by then it's too late to make that call or reverse the action I took in effort to amend things. Oh my god.

Beggars can't choose. (/via @jongolia: via @tnweilin)

I like many things and I can live with a lot more things, is it important that I like what I do/ head towards a job that coincides with my interest, or perhaps try taking a hobby more seriously but am unsure if the interest will sustain. My Lit teacher once commented during a consult that I seem very interested in literature-related/abstract conceptual studies, but will do science just because it's a job.
I wholeheartedly concur, also it stunned me because I am so obviously that sort of person that others can tell (even if he might be extra-perceptive) and at that point in time I felt very naked feeble and stripped. Then again we share so many similar characteristics (like an absurd fascination with physics concepts, might I clarify, just the concepts, enough to read about them) that we had such a good laugh and he didn't say it was a [problem].

If there was something I learnt from people around me, it is that some mistakes are truly irrecoverable. Don't be fooled into thinking you can toy with this and that till you finally settle for something perfect, and that somehow life will play out just the way you desire. Before you even realize, so much Life would have passed and you are still in that same spot pacing forward/backward. The inertia to change your situation only grows bigger unless lightning strikes in midday. I don't have positive examples nor people to emulate. The way I learn, choose something and stick to it, learn to like it and suck your thumb.

Maybe this isn't working out afterall.
For now I'm feeling (quite lliterally) battered and bruised, need to buy [time].

2011-02-28T00:06:00.004+08:00

Blah, blah, blah.

I doubt we will emerge from this hurricane unscathed.
I wanted to tell you how you ruined it by saying it out loud, but I didn't have the heart.
Rachael yamagata echoes keep it kind, keep it good, keep it right...
If ever we could escape as friends again, I will perhaps toast to celebrate.
Grand victory, but count the lost men+collateral damage then sit in the dark and seethe in pain.
In name we won but in the phantom battle played on loop in our minds and hearts, we will always lose.

2011-02-21T22:31:00.000+08:00

I would like to leave first but I can't bear it. You could, though.
Damn it.

2011-02-21T21:44:00.004+08:00

Been having a great, if not passable time at work, but happiness is always so short-lived.
One by one the departures, I wonder if it affects everyone else this much..
This group of people who gracefully accepted me into their social circle, has made me feel for a moment less dispensable.
I have given away parts of myself and now I can't have them back. I have reached a point in life where I am no longer able to stand people leaving me, I am tamed, without the youth and vigour to say it's time I move on to the next phase, welcome new people discard the old.
Everybody's leaving and I won't feel the same.

2011-02-20T15:41:00.004+08:00

Grey spots on the concrete floor are appearing much faster than I had imagined, but I only want to stay here.
Protect my books with plastic but nothing protects me.
Got a new pack of ice blast thought I liked it but already I don't.
The breeze is good but thought of death never leaves once you admit you are seduced.
I couldn't force you to take me in and this upsets me more than anything else.

*
Some 'kind residents' had called the police on me today. I was at my usual hangout, in my comfort zone, just lying down. They thought that I had off-ed myself. If they were a couple of yards closer they might have heard Seawolf begging "please don't lie, don't lie to me, that you're not afraid, My Love". I jerked up suddenly aware of eyeballs scrutinizing me from the adjacent blocks, when policemen came striding over, I was about to flip those by-watchers off, then further behind i see paramedics pushing a foldable stretcher. Held back the finger. Oh my god what on earth.

In the end they had to take my blood pressure using a complicated tool-box thing as precaution while I laughed it off, repeatedly saying no, no, I was just enjoying the view, of course I'm not suicidal. That last sentence lingers resonant like an odd note.

2011-02-20T13:12:00.002+08:00

I should stop feeling like this.
On the surface I'm unable to pinpoint my emotions, but deep inside I know my feelings to be a quiet anger, despair, and some sort of betrayal. It's all very alarming, this cocktail of angst, veiled by a fog of confusion. It's like hearing through blocked ears, everything sounding muffled and far away, you are replying so clearly you are in the conversation but there is this other set of feelings and thoughts that you experience that you cannot share with anyone else. No one shares the same discomfort, nor realize that internally you are struggling with yourself.

I wish you would speak to me again. I wish you wouldn't shun me because this is how I learn to cope, because right now I feel utterly alone.

2011-02-11T22:18:00.003+08:00

Sorrow comes over me like a pang. And when writting cannot heal me like it used to, when nothing quenches the dull throbbing ache in my heart, what do I do? I sit here on the sidewalk, very still, and pray that it passes soon.

2011-02-08T23:50:00.004+08:00

Too feisty for love.
I'm in that 'odd state of the soul' where at once I feel and think of everything and nothing.
If I put it in pictures it would be like standing in the middle of a crossroad while people bustle by, oblivious to my presence. The world inches along, opportunities flash in my face and blink away. But none of these has anything to do with me. Today I am undone.

I am standing one street down watching myself. I watch curious and nervous, because that figure I know to be myself has not done anything yet, just standing and I suppose breathing, and I believe that she is folding her arms. I have no idea when she will begin to move and I stare wide-eyed at this alien existence like deer in headlights. I wonder if she notices me. This part of herself that has involuntarily detached from her physical body and floated away, mute and unable to call out to her, wait for me, I am right behind you, can't you see.

I pray she wouldn't leave me because then nothing would matter. I wouldn't matter.

2011-02-06T19:55:00.004+08:00

I'm covetous of many things but what I yearn for most right now is for all our holiday plans to take shape and take flight.
I'm sick of here and this useless feeling of being stuck in one place, everything pending at "PONR" (point of no return), unable to proceed/backtrack. Over here it's so stifling and crammed with people that I can barely hear myself think. By 2015 there will be no empty fields left and I need to vacate myself before the next high-rise sprouts up outside my window and execute their plan for world domination..
I CANNOT be here when this happens, because- and I'm not exaggerating- it literally pains me.

At the moment many holiday plans have been verbally agreed upon but they are still shapeless smoke swirling overhead.
But I'm determined to at least see through with another trip to Australia.

2011-02-02T18:14:00.004+08:00

It's not him who'd come across the seas to surprise you
Not him who knows where in London to find you

Everything barely hanging in balance, while you're the one perched on the fulcrum, busy shifting your weight from foot to foot to keep the scales from toppling
but you can't stop pieces of life from falling out the moment you let your attention slip. These lost things you can't recover.
And as time drags on, you lose parts of yourself, bigger parts.
You lose to time and turbulence.
You can't get off the fulcrum, because quitting is an admission of failure.
It's a confession that this life is too much for you to take..

And also because you're tied to about ten other people whom you still give a fuck about.

Maybe I feel so pent up because I'm stuck in a rut while watching other people move forward. People who are going away, sourcing for alternative plans that are actually plausible, people who appear worried but know they might actually do well, people who are not worried because they embrace whatever outcome as providential design. The only wrong thing to do is to do nothing. Maybe that's why I feel so uneasy all over. I wish moving forward can be as simple as a symbolic wiping of lipstick stain off your girlfriend's mug after she had died. But it isn't, because in reality things can haunt you forever, and people who have moved forward may regress.

2011-01-26T03:22:00.002+08:00

I have to be up in less than 4 hours but my mind wouldn't stop nagging, I involuntarily pick up my phone every few minutes for some unfathomable reason. The Subconscious is tough to handle but sometimes the Conscious is tougher. The knowledge of 'mind over matter', and that it's a 'matter of perspective' does not alleviate the undetermined soul. How long has my mind been marinating in unhealthy misery to become this far degenerated? It goes completely against biological/evolutionary laws to be this unpreserving and honestly it doesn't make sense. My mental weakness is appalling but at the same time I'm too proud to give up. 'Proud weakling' has got to be the worst kind of lethal combination, it just makes me an idiotic contradiction.

Or this might just be my hormones talking.

2011-01-25T23:54:00.002+08:00

I should like to disintegrate and be everywhere or nowhere.
The world is boundless but i'm contained.
A thin glass dome, little person in a snow globe except i'm hardly ever happy and it's not forever christmas.

These days I feel overlooked and tongue-tied.
I should text everyone to say how much i miss them
Mechanical routine of work/sleep, makes me anxious when precious offdays have no extra meaning.

It's hard to feel positive when sadness is my default state of mind.
If I could I would pack up and leave, be a wanderer, solitary
I never felt I was the sedentary type
I wish I have someone like
I wish someone knew me
I wish I knew what I want

This is just incoherent rambling because I read back and I'm deleting things.

I wish I knew what to do with my life, have plans, move to somewhere far away like Canada
So many foreign roads, all waiting to be told.

2011-01-16T23:13:00.004+08:00

I still pray at 11.11.
I pray with all my might and try using the little strength that I have to hold all my friends together in a safe place. It feels like all of us are going through our own sad dramas, and we are all crumbling, hearts being torn and strewn all over the place. Limbs stretched and pulled in all directions like light from a flabbergasted star. We appear recovered but the deadening gloom bites our bones like leech on necrotic flesh. And i'm making it sound pathetic in vain hope that You would notice us. They say Silence is the Voice of God. Tell me the Truth is not a paradox. I wish i had the strength to hold in a tight bundle all who are dear. I wish we were all safe together.

2010-12-28T20:42:00.002+08:00

I extrapolate your behavior to your character.
And I like you until I dislike you.

Then this will destroy us.

2010-12-27T22:35:00.000+08:00

I don't read people's blogs anymore.
I used to update myself on friends' lives quite frequently, but now I'm down to reading a mere one or two blogs.
There was a time when all my close friends locked their blogs and that got me rather upset. But now, I don't know, when did it all become stale? Or did I become stale. It feels like a sad dead feeling. Like December. While I lament being left behind, it appears that i am letting people go at the same time.

2010-12-24T19:28:00.002+08:00

Desperation
Abandonment
The falling of the leaves
The falling of my heart

The blur
The world and people
The thin frantic hand
Leaves me behind

This Christmas eve brings me down

I'm starting a job coming Monday and the pay is great. I'm contract-bound to not disclose anything but text me and I'll tell you.
I'm to remain free for them to command my services anytime though.
This means all my plans are on hold again.

2010-12-02T01:00:00.002+08:00

Last paper tomorrow and I'm trying to sleep but a conversation E-Liz JQ Oliver and I had suddenly surfaced in my mind.
We were talking about the death penalty in Singapore, and Oliver was telling us about how when they hang people, they don't simply leave them to asphyxiate and die; they attach a metal piece on the noose to the nape of his neck, so that when the floor disappears, his spinal chord instantly snaps and he's gone. Seems relatively pain-free compared to caning, but let's say they're hanging you.

I actually wished the death sentence for someone, by someone of course not anyone I know but the psychotic maid who flung her charge, a defenseless impaired girl, right out the window and watched gleefully as she died a painful death. I was irritated that she could escape homicidal intentionality by being certified psychotic. Of course, how can you blame a mad person yada mentally sound people don't throw other people off buildings blabla but it's so easy sometimes to feign madness and they don't actually have a foolproof method to decide if someone really was mad, and no one can get inside your head to know your thoughts other than yourself. To me it just doesn't seem....... Right.

But after hearing Oliver describe the hanging I'm sorry I thought all that, I really regret it and shudder when I think of the horrid thoughts I harbour in my head. It's disgusting though I still support capital punishment relative to lifetime imprisonment which, in my opinion, is worse than dying and a colossal waste of space.

(Slow?) Life

2010-11-29T21:12:00.001+08:00

Typing this on 'Blogbooster', a quick recommend for anyone using iPhone who blogs! I love the app button and clean interface, all very hip and cutesy! Good functionality, plus it supports swivel keyboard (Y). Simple and Awesome.

Borrowed a ton of crime thriller novels of the Jack Reacher series by Lee Child. Finally have time to read my novels again (though I still have one last mcq paper)! Chloe was saying one day that because of excessive English Lit studies, she is only able to read classics because she is now too sensitive to form, structure, literary devices and all that. I'm thankful that I'm still able to switch the ELit part of my brain on and off whenever I like. Ha ha

The past few days since I took a break from studying have been great, got some exercise and caught up with close friends. Finally met up with lovely Chantal, I really don't have to say much because chan has already said everything so well on her blog<3

Also with darlings Kf and Chloe, I expect to be meeting with them much more frequently and hopefully kf will be chauffeuring us around quite soon!

Yesterday was awesome awesome fun, joined JQ and his friends for a session of floorball, met so many new and friendly and awesome people! Supper afterwards, where E-Liz, JQ, Oliver and I ended up chatting till 2am.. I wonder if we will all meet again?

2010-11-23T02:29:00.002+08:00

December is soon upon us.

It's the time of the year, apart from thanks giving, to look back and introspect on how we fared as human beings for the past eleven months.

the end of years always exert a strange power over me, i tend to be overcome with nostalgia and loneliness and memories, that are usually accompanied with some form of guilt and grief..

i'm not fond of Novembers and Decembers, though i like how they sound and the kind of wistful wintery atmosphere that i usually attach to them. It probably has something to do with the mood of 'gloom' and 'death' when things come to an end; the entire season can be described in general as 'sad', and it's only how i perceive things but i'm not particularly good with endings.

Looking back, i feel that for the whole year thus far i've been nothing but a letdown.

I've been a letdown in every aspect of school/life-- my CCA, my grades, my friendships yada

and i blame only myself (and sometimes God i'm sorry i should never).

I feel very angry (at myself) because i know i haven't put in my best in every endeavor, it's not about what i think i'm capable of but rather the amount of effort i invested in every fight.

and i hugely apologize to all my tutors and coaches who had so much faith in me, who never worried much about me because they never doubted my abilities. I let myself down and it pains me to say this now that everything has been done.

I am genuinely remorseful for being such a terrible person and i am reflecting on my behaviour.

i wonder if anyone feels more ill at ease as themselves than i do. i don't think this is some 'identity-crisis thingy', and i'm not going to do any major 'personality overhaul'..

but i will need more time to sort myself out and meanwhile i beg for your forgiveness.

Darkness

2010-10-23T01:13:00.001+08:00

'Dengeki Daisy' is a brilliant manga, but I don't know, I guess it's not very healthy. It gives the same effect as reading Plath, or something. Especially when I am frequently unable to distinguish between myself and the persona.

Sometimes i find the way I act irritating and I don't want to impose this burden onto anyone. But I don't know what to do myself when I get repeatedly defeated by darkness.

I try very hard to hold on to every little feeling of recovery, but I guess it only works in the day when there is light streaming in from everywhere. I wish I could capture some of it and safekeep it in my heart so that darkness couldn't so easily undo all that I've done..

Would you understand if I say I feel abandoned?
Being hyper self-aware is not good at all if it doesn't contribute positively.

I can't find a solution when I have no explanations. I am as bizarre to my own self as you probably think I am.. It is already too late but if I can't find a solution soon then really good luck to me. But by tomorrow I believe I will be fine again.

Impasse

2010-10-14T00:19:00.001+08:00

Frustration, gloom and despair are a fair description of your mood today, Cheryl! The alliance of the Hanged Man and the Moon suggests you're thinking that your emotional life has reached some kind of impasse, and that there's no way out.
These cards confirm the need of a separation and are telling you that your hopes of a reconciliation are doomed to failure. A real bad day.
As always when you need to withdraw, Cheryl, the danger is that the people around you might feel that you are letting them down, or rejecting them. So you need to make some compromise- and leave your door ajar.

In your work environment, you are seriously hampered by a lack of freedom, and this is causing you a great deal of frustration. Temperance and the Hanged Man show that you are trying hard to adapt to the situation, but the slightest provocation might have you storm right out of the office. Unless you really feel that it's worth the supreme effort, don't propose any sacrifices which you will only regret later.

:O :( spot on

"I wanna catch my death of cold"

Shame

2010-10-12T00:50:00.001+08:00

I guess, for my particular circumstance, a state of 'feeling nothing' is the next best thing to recovery, since the latter as it would seem cannot be easily attained nor sustained for more than a fortnight.

Falling ill again, need to get better and productive. Am feeling blessed, taking the vitamin C that Mrs Liang(Bio tutor) bought for the whole class and lemsip from Yijun's 'carepack'... Wei Ren informed us that the vitamins are selling for $6.40 per box at Guardian, and Mrs Liang bought one box per person for my whole class!?!? I feel very bad that I can't even reciprocate her goodwill by attending her lectures:(
Yijun darling if you are reading this please know that I truly appreciate your lovely carepack!!!! Seeing it makes me feel vvv happy and blessed:) the reason I'm so tardy in giving you something in return is because I'm afraid it would seem obligatory:( I promise you that I will always be here for you!

*

Crucial moments like this tend to reveal the ugly aspects of a person's character that is usually masked by superficial goodtimes and what for in having a friend that is only useful during goodtimes? How long can one pretend, forgive, and forget... The least a person should do is to not become an overbearing liability to others, and if they ever should, have some shame about it.

A

2010-10-06T00:22:00.002+08:00

I am on a mission.

AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAA

It really looks very pretty.
Also painful, but emotions are secondary.

2010-10-05T22:41:00.002+08:00

A person who is constitutively depressed [via prone to severe melancholy such that it occasionally inhibits normal functioning] such as myself is clearly not suitable for a long life. We shall wait to see how long I last.

2010-09-26T12:52:00.003+08:00

Listen to yourself claim that you are very capable of forgiving.
Listen to yourself claim that people can change and that you have changed
and all the time i am telling to you that you are the wiser and more mature and should act wisely and maturely,
to give your love unconditionally to your children because that's what makes parent-child bonds so special and sacred,
and there you won't have it.
right there you are still the same old shouting-head that i knew for a father since ten years ago.
It is so sad and pathetic:
you acknowledge that you have such a huge pride and that pride hinders humility but you are telling others to put down theirs.
you will change if someone changes first.
you will forgive if someone forgives first.
you will show love if someone shows love first.

what the fuck?

2010-09-18T02:18:00.001+08:00

2010-09-17T23:49:00.003+08:00

Sufjan Stevens- The Lakes of Canada (Innocence Mission Cover)

Oh laughing man, what have you won?
don't tell me what cannot be done
My little mouth, my winter lungs
don't tell me what cannot be done dee-da dee-da dee-da, dee-da dee-da daaah....

2010-09-16T01:43:00.001+08:00

An hour ago I was in the kitchen when I heard the door unlock and I thought that you had come home.
After a while I heard the clicking noise of Jacky scampering across the floor and dad walked into the living room
And then I knew it was only his bedroom door but I swear
That wasn't where I heard the sound come from.

The basis of maze-running ability in rats and perhaps IQ

2010-09-15T18:01:00.002+08:00

"A classic example of gene-environment interaction is Tyron's (1942) artificial selection experiment on maze-running ability in rats. Tyron produced a remarkable difference in maze running ability in two selected lines after seven generations of selecting "bright" and "dull" lined by breeding the best and worst maze running rats. The difference between the lines was clearly genetic since offspring of the two lines were raised under identical typical lab conditions but performed very differently. This difference disappeared in a single generation, though, once those rats were raised in an enriched environment (Cooper & Zubek 1958) with more objects to explore and more social interaction. This result shows that maze running ability is the product of a gene-by-environment interaction, and the genetic effect can be overcome by environmental conditions."

Does human Intelligence adhere to a similar basis?

2010-09-07T00:19:00.003+08:00

"Freezing today. It’s spring, but cold rain cold rain cold rain be here.

I kinda feel like a bear just starting to wake up. Not that I want to kill anything, more that I’m remembering what it’s like to get back into the swing of writing songs. This life o’ artistoid runs in cycles and I’m in the uncozy confines of emotional/brain toil trying to figure out what I feel and how to say it and what I see and how to speak it blah blah blah."

Rachael Yamagata
She's so pretty, talented in piano and guitar, and her voice...
Her husky vocals is strikingly beautiful, and conveys a kind of pathos or bittersweet heartache. Have a Listen.

Before My Eyes

2010-09-04T01:08:00.003+08:00

Before My Eyes

The length of time stretches and squeezes, like melted rubber or a Salvador Dali painting.
A dizzying array of typography-
Letters and numbers and symbols, lined up like prisoners stacking into dimly lit cells-
Suddenly losing purpose...

O, I would rather be in New Zealand contemplating the sheep and grass,
the bellows of white clouds and the Great albatross and the Great sperm whale

Or be a faceless figure walking on stairs, eternally frozen mid-motion, unsure of his dimension
but still part of the grand design

Or be the hand behind the green veins of a porcelain face
whose only flaw is it's perfection.

Don't be Stupid.

2010-09-03T00:43:00.002+08:00

How long ago was it when you first promised yourself that you would begin to read the papers, to revise your work every evening after school?
How many months have passed since then, now that you're only three months away from the-biggest-exam-of-your-life, and "I'm just afraid you may not have enough time to do well" fuck, fuck, fuck.

A few years ago I stopped believing in people who barge into your life demanding to 'fix' you and afterwards leave. I used to proclaim it myself, only to realize it's stupidity and now live in shame and embarrassment irreparably tormented by the guilt of my memories. After having it being done to myself by others who walk away patting themselves on the back for a job [presumably] 'well done', oblivious to having pulled upon the thread previously sewn to keep me together, that's now unravelling, as I spill onto the floor, a larger pool of mess.

Don't be stupid.

2010-09-01T18:09:00.001+08:00

"It is a pretty structure isn’t it? It makes you think of something solid, stable, well-linked. In fact it happens also in chemistry as in architecture that “beautiful” edifices, that is, symmetrical and simple, are also the most sturdy: in short, the same thing happens with molecules as with the cupolas of cathedrals of the arches of bridges."

Primo Levi

2010-09-01T18:08:00.000+08:00

Monday

Is anything sadder than a train
That leaves when it’s supposed to,
That has only one voice,
Only one route?
There’s nothing sadder.

Except perhaps a cart horse,
Shut between two shafts
And unable even to look sideways.
Its whole life is walking.

And a man? Isn’t a man sad?
If he lives in solitude a long time,
If he believes time has run its course,
A man is a sad thing too.

Primo Levi
January 17, 1946

"Happy Teachers'" Day

2010-08-31T19:42:00.005+08:00

Teacher's Day today.
i'm glad i went to visit Cedar Girls' with LY, because i was terribly appalled by the dire state in which we found most of our teachers. The teachers whom, in our time, added vibrancy to the school's atmosphere with their (seemingly) boundless energy or maintained the balance of sanity through their calm composure look so frail and almost entirely sapped of strength now. it would seem that the batches of students after us have become increasingly egocentric and unappreciative of their teachers' sincere efforts. watching our beloved teachers unwittingly shed a tear in recollection of past times, a palpable aura of weariness and despair, listening to talks of each one planning to leave within a year or two... it was truly heart-wrenching and we were loath to see them in such dismal condition.

On a lighter note, i am delighted to have met with nada and malina, my 4P classmates, Mr Kang, and especially to (finally) have a chat with my beloved teachers Ms Poon, Ms Begum and Mr Sng, all of whom are very dear to me and i regard as more than a teacher, also a friend(without permission though :S).

*** and Mr Sng if you don't send me a text message or a miss call by tonight.....!!

(i will bombard you on facebook)

Realizations

2010-08-27T02:14:00.005+08:00

Realization: Microwaves are very, very strong! A convection current at 190•C for 3 mins only managed to penetrate 1 cm into my cold (yummy)chocolate muffin, whereas a microwave at medium high for 1 min cooked it right through, radiating so much excess heat I couldn't hold my muffin with bare fingers. Would never wish to get caught in microwaves.

Current fetish: Forcing self to formulate eloquent sentences to articulate overarching/key ideas of proposed themes(E Lit), actually, well-worded sentences in general for efficacy in argumentation. I apparently find it quite a challenge now to come up with concise, meaningful sentences to form cogent arguments[quoting 'A' band descriptor here]. At this rate, an 'A' for GP and E Lit, in which command of the English language is supposedly my strong suit, may not be guaranteed..
It has something to do with confidence (and losing it)-.-

So this is how humans have evolved, we who have somehow developed a mental capacity for rational thought and to make plans for our own futures; to view time as linear and believe that we will continue to exist in an arbitrary future-time, such that we are able to sacrifice current comfort for something which in the end may not even exist.

Eye-sore sore-eyE

2010-08-25T00:13:00.001+08:00

Weiren suggested today that I might have been born with contact lenses in my eyes, since I always seem to be afflicted with contact-lens-related problems (such as stinging pain and intense itching of my eyeballs)(such that me complaining about my eye or screaming in eye-pain is now "normal" and part of the "Cheryl Experience"). If there is even a 1 in 10,000,000 chance of having such a condition, I most certainly have it because something is definitely screwed up about the composition of my conjunctivae, and my lacrimal glands are not doing a good job!

Whatever was going on in the background processing unit of my brain just half an hour ago caused me to have the strangest bathing experience ever. I, [presumably] after a "rather long" and "relaxing" shower, proceeded to wash my face in front of the mirror. I did every step according to "routine", except only then did I realize that I have only shampooed my hair! Scrambling to gather my mind, I discovered no apparent recollection of having applied conditioner&/soaping my body... Guarding against the fabrication of (said) memories, I conceded to reentering the shower to continue with the remaining parts of my daily cleansing.. Truly strange!

Rancor

2010-08-23T01:21:00.001+08:00

I begged permission to witness your paradise, with a secret mission to bring you back here, but i clamber against your magic:
The windows in your hair
spinning out worlds that endlessly expand through your vague eyes that behold
All the beauty that have been masked by human intentions.
Wandering, you say, is much more fulfilling despite it's obvious futility, that being the only way to walk every day among the chaos that we live in.
I am stung by the fumes of your anger, that's breathing against my skin-
And like poison seep through my pores in the ugly dusk- till I am arrested in a fetal position, knees tucked close to my breast, wishing away for entrance into the other world.
"Hush now, remind me how there is Love and Love never dies", you softly whisper, something like two hours after time stopped.

I remind you how there is Love and Love never dies.
You cajole me back into safety, and for now, I am fain to accept the solace of our souls' sojourn into the unknown, you being me.

2010-08-19T23:58:00.002+08:00

Hmm I am bored. And did I mention sad?
I digress from work way too easily. It's not that I don't have the heart to study, it's just that I tend to let my emotions get a stranglehold on me. I know, I know, that now is not a good time for these things, but it is only too easy to speak about priorities and self-control, especially when the subject matter at hand is one's emotions, that are simply irrational and beyond the typical realm of logical processes. I might also like to clarify (lest you should begin to make baseless conjectures) that I am not suffering from a "broken heart", rather, a broken soul. I AM suffering from a number of damaged relationships, and admittedly they are taking a huge toll on me. But my sadness ultimately stems from my own self, my soul in protest about it's too passive host. My inefficiency in finding my soul a spiritual guardian is perhaps the reason for this internal conflict.. So I guess I only have myself to blame. But with no one to guide me and also other factors (such as my godless parents), how am I to begin? Say, then, that I'm insincere and don't try hard enough. Deep down I don't deny it, because I secretly am unable to reconcile my spiritual need with my existentialist mind. So am I supposed to forgo the latter in subservience to religion, or am I to find a religion that caters to my type? Till someone answers this question for me, I can only surrender to my turmoil... But then again. I suspect that I use my spiritual thirst too often to mask the true root causes which may simply be something like loneliness, agitation towards the lack of a true soulmate, or an innate masochistic streak. An insatiable desire for pain and sadness such that I prevent myself from being happy. This I fear the most, because it's so warped, and how can I defend myself when I am my own enemy?

You still hurt me

2010-08-17T11:01:00.003+08:00

... --- ...
There. I am at my wit's end.

So I guess I never for once thought that I was the cause of your unhappiness. That was really unexpected. A surprise bullet to my chest and now it's lodged between my first and second left rib. At least that's where I think the aching pain is coming from. ah haa what am I saying?
I guess I find you disappointing, quantifying love with material goods, which seem in comparison quite scant (when it really isn't).It's sort of a "too bad you can't always get what you want in life" thing, but I expected you to be more sensible than that. Because it's so stupid, and worse of all hurtful, and I admit i can't truly forgive you. And here's the silly part: I had thought that at least amidst this crumbling there is a relationship I so deeply cherish; Now I find out that all this while I have been a villain in your eyes.

Home is a place whereby any time you so choose to return to, it will have to take you in. Siblings are whom no matter how much you hurt them, will still be by your side at the end of the day. I wish they would call these something you less deserve. But the contradiction is that I still love you and miss you and everyday wish things would return to the way they were, the way you were.

2010-07-29T08:44:00.001+08:00

I'm going to meet Romario today!!

Hazy

2010-07-27T19:08:00.001+08:00

If I fall and hurt myself, would you know how to fix me?
If I went and lost myself, would you know where to find me?

Romario, the Brazillian Soccer Star, was supposed to drop by my school on this Friday for a soccer clinic and an autograph session, but he cancelled because there was a mess-up in his schedule. What a downer.

Tomizushi

2010-07-26T23:30:00.001+08:00

Hi everyone!! Let me just do a little advertisement!
A must-try if you're a fan of Japanese cuisine, also if you wish to acquire a taste for raw fish!
TOMIZUSHI at Millenia Walk level 3 inside Parco sells The Best Sashimi Ever. I dined there for dinner just now and it was pure bliss, the food-- raw, soup, grilled, even their rice-- was most exquisite. I literally tasted the sea today. I put the shellfish into my mouth and THERE WAS A BREEZE....!? the sea breeze wafted in and out of my mouth (a bit like the menthol effect after sucking on a mint), then a subtle sea salt taste oozed out onto my tongue.....
Sighhh... So brilliant. Live to eat, guys.

2010-07-26T01:42:00.001+08:00

I'm beginning to feel like I might have lost a sibling. There's like an unspoken agreement to avoid the subject, and no one really brings up the topic in front of my dad. Is this how Sheena feels like as an only-child? Except I know a reality otherwise and now I can't get used to the lack of FaceTime. I feel absurdly helpless and inadequate. I feel like back in GoldCoast when I was trying so hard to grab a handful of sand but I just couldn't because it was so fine and sneaky and impossible, and I ended up squatting there for ages my head spinning my feet numb. It was a complete vertigo.

I get scared sometimes by my own inexplicable changes in mood, the cyclical feelings of high and low. I think of the number of times in a day, and how rapidly I experience these mood changes and honestly i feel quite frightened. It's just so manic and abnormal, but where can i find the manual the reprogram my mind? No one taught me anything. I notice my blogposts reflect this too. I'm writing more now because I got the blogwriter app on itouch, everything is so handy these days (good job Steve Jobs ha ha,).... And saturated. That's such a great word.

I'm beginning to abandon all hopes of me ever normalizing, which is why I can be so sure that the future for me is a blank and loveless one. Now one can start to debate if such a future is still worth living? I don't expect anyone to be able to keep up with me because no one can deal with the cyclone of emotions that I am. It's damaging and inexorable and i wish it for no one.

Home alone

2010-07-25T17:12:00.001+08:00

At home alone. Life at my own pace, time unconstricted. A day finally feels like a day. :)
I'm lying prone on my bed leafing through Ikea catalogues, sourcing for inspiration to refurnish my room. The blinds are half- drawn so that sunlight can stream in to reset my circadian rhythm... While the air-conditioning blasts away quietly in the corner. B)
Ha ha, life sure feels good! I live for days like these.

Love Is Security, a man who blames himself first above all else for anything that happens to you, a picture of the future containing him in every frame. The question is, how much should "Love" override personal liberty if at all? And if you think about it, is it really "a picture of the future", or a picture of a future? Maybe it doesn't matter which, but take into account the brilliant things your brain can do for you.

2010-07-25T13:03:00.001+08:00

Omg cute. The electronic traffic billboard says, "make your way hone safely for your love ones"!

Played FIFA World Cup on PS3 today (finally!), and it is about the most complex game EVER!!! you're supposed to do 3 things at once-- change players, control direction, do an action-- and even anticipate your opponent's movements! Not to mention having to memorize the different keys for various actions(there are PLENTY!), worse still, some actions require several keys! Ha ha but it's really quite exciting and the graphics are so realistic.. Schweini scored a header today. GOOD ONEEEE! Ha ha ha

Dear Anne Marie

2010-07-23T12:34:00.001+08:00

Dear Anne Marie,

I just want to tell you that I miss you badly, I am forever plagued by guilt and sorrow that things between us couldn't have turned out better.. I don't know what brought about this episode, maybe it is due to an overdose of sad songs that I keep listening. Regardless. I wish you all the best Anne Marie.. (I don't like how I've started to call you Anne like everyone else. I hated it.) it seems that you and I both have moved on. I don't know if you have, I'm not going to assume anything. Perhaps you find me quite cold/heartless (or are you indifferent towards me now?) but I think you know that I've always been quite a cat? It's sad, when I think about it, that we're not the "flare-up-then-make-up" bimbo type (think Paris/Nicole-esque), we're just so....... Very very quite about tuis whole affair.. It seems a kind of unspoken despair or resignation? Like something died between us, and now we're so broken and unmendable. It's like the kind of sympathetic pseudo-familiarity that people give each other at funerals. Like I want to go over to comfort you and hug you tight when you look so down (almost everyday??) but somehow I feel I don't have (have lost) that right anymore. And it gets so painful, when instead of being able to confide on me when you have troubles, you have to force yourself to smile and be bubbly around me. It makes me feel that I have become your liability. I'm not good at expressing my emotions and such... But I miss you, Anne Marie, with such an intensity. I only wish I could tell it to you.

Subconscious

2010-07-20T17:52:00.003+08:00

It's been said that humans only use up to 3% of their actual brain capacity. This means that the rest of our brain power goes into perpetual hibernation, or is spent on myriad basal drone-functioning activity.. Maybe that is why our brain gets hyperactive when governed by our subconscious, but instead of gaining academically or even practically useful knowledge we get nonsensical dreams instead. It's not fair and certainly not our fault if humans are hardwired to be dull!!

So many things around me involve the subconscious lately; Inception the movie sparked off a massive debate with my dear classmates(dismal term) today, and Microserfs the book by Douglas Coupland that I am currently reading talks about the subconscious a lot.. I take this as a providential sign that I should try to activate my subconscious and utilize the other 97% of my brain!
With God's will, I have decided to start by improving the speed of which my brain makes associations with the information it receives. I throw out a noun and then immediately conceive two associations from it. For example,
Blue: sea, ocean
Leaf: green, sunflower

But then I realized quickly that the associations I make within 0.2 seconds are all largely visual, and well that's... sort of cheating..............
Compensating on speed of reflex and putting slightly more conscious effort, here's what I came up with:
Apple: George washington, oxidizing protection
Electron Transport Chain: office hierarchy , 6 degrees of separation

This sounds silly and I'm not going to defend myself anyway because I don't know what I will achieve with this "brain stimulation", and also because this entire thing was conceived out of boredom whilst walking my dog.. Ha ha ha

Death, canst thou die?

2010-07-16T01:21:00.001+08:00

The subject of death has been eating into me lately, I guess part of me have always been awfully intrigued with that idea, and I haven't made a solid decision to give Life a good fight yet. 18 years of toiling and the one thing that has stayed constant about me throughout like Old Faithful is my sadness; my deep-seeded depression and secret surety that I will one day die by suicide. (there, alliteration not by intention)
Haneef's sister-in-law just gave birth to a baby boy named Rayyan, who is exceptionally cute with large almond-eyes and plump wet lips. I fancied his adorable innocence through video and pictures, and proclaimed my love for babies and children. Squealing, anime noises and all that, neef and I are absolutely going gaga over Rayyan. He is truly blessed and I hope he turns out to be a beautiful person!
Child birth is such an amazing experience..

There's this, my 21st birthday, university, working life et cetera, but somehow I feel ready to forgo it all.

2010-06-24T04:54:00.006+08:00

What a great relief- Germany is through to the last 16!!
They're a fantastic team, no gimmicks just playing the game, and absolutely deserve to progress into the knock out rounds. The alternative outcome is simply too frightening to imagine.
By some serious luck, Ghana is also through; the first African team to make it, and i am so glad that they did because they put up a great show with sportsmanship and this is my ideal turnout! How Serbia lost to the Socceroos is shocking, but this has been an unpredictable world Cup after all and the ball is round..... What's over is over.
Except i would like to probe further in the case of France's major internal upheaval and also the would-have-been winning goal by USA which was controversially disallowed.

On a side note, Haneef would like me to say that his new haircut looks similar to that of Bastian Schweinsteiger, cute German- our current hot favourite. I agree, but ONLY if he lets me buzz off the sides!!!

Ok i'm off to bed now, an honest attempt to realign my sleeping hours (which has received a major overhaul) back to school timings because my immune system has hit an all-time low.. Mad- mugging (only by our standards) has been taking a toll on us, and i am forever on the cusp of flu. Granted i am still far from being prepared for mid-year exams which start on Monday, but clearly my body is in protest!
I shall listen to it for now and await Germany vs. England, definitely going to be quite an amusing match :33

2010-06-11T22:38:00.003+08:00

you were huddled in a dark corner, gasps of shrill gurgles escaping from your trembling lips like pent up unfulfilled wishes,
the air shattering around you like frozen time
and you folded your limbs, shrank so small as if to slide between the strings of space
where you will never be found
but the earth held you tight in his palms like a flower bud,
a place made safe, where we helped you breathe.

2010-06-08T17:29:00.006+08:00

Life Is..................................................................................................

2010-05-25T14:24:00.004+08:00

life is not a linear progression but an infinite loop for all eternity.
the same things recur, people appear in pairs, lives exist in parallels.

yi jun just rubbed all her earwax in my arm (D:)!!!
and she proposed that i should update my blog for her constant entertainment.

hmm..

NAH.

2010-05-24T21:02:00.003+08:00

i am eating now instead of showering because my dad bought home sushi (why is there no wasabi), and in the back of my mind is a constant, continuous stream of how i am to plan for midyears and catch up with work. important thoughts like these get filtered to the back of my mind too easily than ideal but i suppose at least the thoughts are there.

also there's GP midyears next monday to worry about, because reading the newspaper and other external mags is another thing that always gets left out of my 24/7. my current affairs knowledge stockpile is an approximate to ZERO, and that is a terrible realization my friends. :(
oh i attended my first GP lesson today in 1.5 months, no good reason except that GP class is really not a whit stimulating for the brain. :(

less inclination to blog lately, but more urge to meet up with close friends.
like ly, who was down with highhh fever the past few days and i haven't gone once to visit her. :((( sorry darling..

can't wait for june holidays

2010-05-21T09:30:00.002+08:00

God knows where i conceived all my grand ideas from.
it's obviously impractical to invent a lifestyle and value system out of "odd" notions that people barely comprehend nor share..
sometimes i also wish i could excise these unorthodox stuff from my brain on a cellular level, but then again i cannot ever concede to being a mindless drone.
if i am less susceptible to becoming bored of things or am, by some chance, absurdly fascinated by science-y --actually this i am-- formula-ry things that have absolutely no practical relevance to my life whatsoever (like a Sheldon cooper), perhaps i might be so brilliant in academics.
the world spins madly on, and honestly, how many things we do are by choice?
the thing is, (because we all come from somewhere) other people will always have a claim in our lives because apparently, as humans do, we cannot be ingrates.
but where do we draw the line..?
here's a tough life and if i advocate that kindness begets kindness then suddenly i'm not truly a good person.
nobody really pleases anyone.

the 3 things that please me:
1) scrambled egg in my pasta
2) The Weepies
3) the look of my nose today

2010-05-11T18:59:00.006+08:00

awesome awesome day, mjc is doing oh so well!!!
double win today fb guys vs vjc 4-3 SUPER^1789321 DRAMATIC WIN, soccer guys vs rijc 1-0!!!
tmr we're up against rijc too, hope we win then we're through to the finalsss hurray.
oh for smoother reading from the previous previous post: our mjfb guys won MI 16-0 BEAT THAT D:
ha ha i'm so proud to be in mjc, we're pwning both in sports and academia(top 5 now), also doing well in funky stuff like pw and drama(pwnz vjc so evidently)..
we will keep this up up up :)))
so tired all the time don't even know why, haven't been doing much school work.
i want to revert to how 2-3 hours of sleep a day used to be sufficient...
shall work on that
quite worried for As actually, should i get tuition or not??!!

hmmz... right.
this and that and that and this.
i guess thank god i'm quite a masochist, need to live with a certain amount of pain at all times.
i'm perfectly fine by myself, reading is still ze best thing next to innebandy
cut snip delete ignore pretending nothing affects me is a wonderful job for my lovely stubborn mind.
there is nothing much else to do is there?

2010-05-05T23:53:00.001+08:00

OMG MY DAD BOUGHT ME A CANON EOS 550D
OMG MY DAD BOUGHT ME A CANON EOS 550D
OMG MY DAD BOUGHT ME A CANON EOS 550D
HALLELUJAH
HALLELUJAH
HALLELUJAH

2010-05-04T16:25:00.004+08:00

i just spent the entire afternoon since 2 o'clock alone stretched out on the sofa, tv switched on to Mtv, reading A Girl with Glass Feet. it's so intriguing, so fantastical yet real in descriptions of human character, of socially awkward people in an estranged dysfunctional family masked by past scars, yet none of whom can be blamed. the vibrancy of the female protagonist whom, herself, is slowly diminishing, bringing life into the monochrome land and its inhabitants.. i could finish this book in a day, but i'm secretly trying to prolong my read, as is the ambivalence every time i encounter a good read. i don't want it to end :(

Hashir's advice to Haneef gives some hope to people like me who never spend adequate time revising! he said something like "listen during lectures and you'll retain 60% of it's contents (make sure you do), then go home and read up on the left over 40%.."
during bio lecture today i decided to listen although i didnt bring my notes, and i myself was shocked to realise how all this time i havent actually been listening during lectures and actively absorbing!
like right now, i can regurgitate whatever was taught during lecture today on Cystic Fibrosis:
Cystic Fibrosis is an autosomal recessive condition due to an in-frame deletion of 3 base pairs(TTT) coding for amino acid phenylalanine at position 508 on chromosome 7. this mutation results in the alteration of the 3-D configuration of the Cystic Fibrosis Transmembrane Conductance Regulator, causing it to be unable to transport chloride ions out of the cell. this causes sodium ions to enter to cell to balance its charges. water then enters the cell via osmosis due to the osmotic pressure, resulting in thickened mucus that causes the immobility of the cilia and its inability to remove bacteria dust and dirt etc.. symptoms of Cystic Fibrosis include susceptibility to pneumonia, inability to digest/ absorb nutrients from food due to blocked pancreatic and bile ducts, pancreatic cysts, liver disease, sterility..

LOL. i have to leave for floorball training now hope the guys win MI today!!

2010-05-02T23:52:00.003+08:00

it must've been the mad concoction of food, ice cream, mango lassi and orange-flavored smokes on top of being sick that caused a rumbling storm in my stomach, the most explosive shit i've ever experienced.
phew, thank goodness it's all over now.

thanks haneef, who celebrated my birthday with me yesterday, and got me two books for my birthday present: The Girl with Glass Feet by Ali Shaw, which i am so hooked onto i am halfway through it in a single day, and A Long, Long Time Ago and Essentially True by Brigid Pasulka.

Friday was a lovely chilled night with Weiren and yijun, CO concert to support our dearest koknam, then chicken ripper and high-class ice cream at the Superdog Al fresco that brings back fond memories of PW times. it was there that we finished our cute game animation of opera-dancing raving rabbids that must've contributed to the extra gold star, the lustre in our presentation that clinched us our 'A'.. awesome :)
thanks friends, you guys are such great buddies, taking good care of me when i'm sick!

squandered my weekends away, watching soccer now (Y) to free preview of all channels!!
OMGCBFKINGMISERS they just cut it off how rude only 20mins left..!!!!
aughh. but at the rate both teams are going, i doubt there will be any difference..
forgettable match. same with chelsea/liverpool, though probably not for gerrard, for a long long time. ha ha sigh..

2010-04-25T23:44:00.004+08:00

how do i put this.
how do i begin to explain this..
i would like to find a picture to describe it but where does one go to find such pictures?
the numbness that flows with my blood and circulates throughout my body.
brain and head and heart and limbs
the fluid- my soul- leaking out of the windows of my wounds
i might go to flickr and search: wreckage, storm, chaos, bones or i don't know, blank..
or i could stay very very still, halt the movements of the muscles on my face and my lungs as it expands and my heart as it beats.
"throw your watches off the roof to cast your ballot for Eternity outside of Time"-
i'm talking about Ginsberg, of course.
who could string nice-looking words together just as well?
not me.
you could, almost, but i saw right through you after the fourth time so now there's nothing left but empty, empty words.
words as empty as my eyes and the sky and the space between your lips and your heart.
yes it took me so long. i'm scared, but who would hold me in their arms?
who could hold me in their arms
in my mind/heart it is a riot and also a stalemate.
be careful of that running thread along the seam
it's too late to trade for a new [body] now, live with it.

2010-04-01T09:06:00.003+08:00

Cut the bonds with the moon
and let the dogs gather
Burn the gauze in the spoon
and suck the poison up
and bleed

Shut the door to the moon
and let the birds gather
Play no more with the fool
and let the souls wander
and bleed

from the soul

-
happy april shit's day

2010-03-15T23:22:00.002+08:00

i will be departing to Penang in approximately 9 hours. i've got my travel playlist from haneef, a few last minute items to pack and i'm all set! :)

tonight was simply marvelous, what a perfect way to spend the eve of my departure! greenzone (which to me was average:P), then the rest of the night at Haji lane with neef double apple shisha sizzling potato wedges yum and all the time i was in a state of blisssssss....... cosy candle-lamp-lit ambience, sagging into assorted cushions puffing bellows of sweet smoke, hot hissing wedges tap-dancing on scorched tongues.
chats the kinds we always have, live music by groovy cool cats, eavesdropping on funny indians, more smokes, but not enough to transcend into the higher world of Parnassus. played cards, oh declare already that i am The Queen of Taiti! ha ha ha
i never imagined shisha with just two people could reach near-nirvana. it's the company, the company!
i still haven't satiate my yearning of Pita bread and humus though, so this obviously calls for another trip backkk <3

i will miss you all, lovelies, please pray that i have a safe trip because i really really hate silkair. :(
study hard you guyssss
i'll be back on Saturday!

2010-03-13T22:56:00.003+08:00

Hi congratulations, i'm tired and very sick of all this useless hurting and trading of blows. we're caught in an endless fist fight, actually we're more like lame dogs chasing our own tails. oh except i'm not still trying to hurt you all the time. the things you don't know, the daggers you throw at me when i'm cuffed on the spinning dartboard, the daggers that i'm not hurling at you but somehow you feel stabbed by. i'm not saying the pain you feel is not real, i'm saying every ounce of it is, precisely, that's why it's strange and unhealthy and wrong.

2010-03-09T21:23:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Claudia!!! (8 mar)

i didn't forget your birthday! but i think i did misremember your handphone number.. :S
we don't meet/talk much but still we're good friends, of the true sort. meet up soon for a meal darling :)

the air quality these days is really damaging..
like literally having to wade through a screen of dust cloud, the stench of burnt cinders always lingering nearby, the air heavy with sand particles.
it's becoming very uncomfortable and irritating :(

i'll be going off to Penang in 6 days!
kinda looking forward to it, oh off-shore island of Sweden........
hot damn. ha ha ha life sucks (the new favourite catch-phrase thanks to sheena)
i'm still cracking my head, thinking of how to bring all my notes there to revise for march block test, which is sort of a big deal, and also in two weeks' time.
goodness gracious.
ha ha ha life sux

2010-03-02T21:55:00.002+08:00

Happy Birthday Jolyn!

you probably don't know this, but i do miss you.
i don't even think you read my blog anymore.
how did we become so estranged...??

anyhow, i hope you're content with your life right now.
never stop searching for the answers you seek, and i hope you find happiness, which in our context was always the mask to our sadness that makes our misery all the more stark..

you once said you wished you could walk through a shattered glass pane and emerge all bloodied and scarred, because to look like how you feel on the inside would be a start. we were, for our reasons, scary and damaged. no one could understand our angst; they were scared of our wild fiery madness, and so shied away from us. but what they didn't realise was that one's sadness cannot be compared to another pure based on their relative circumstance. it doesn't work that way. it simply doesn't.

2010-02-28T22:47:00.001+08:00

Bruce Springsteen- Fire

whooooootssss hotttttttt!!!!!! McSteamyyyyy!!

2010-02-27T18:30:00.002+08:00

She & him- Black Hole

"oh my gosh, that was such good clapping you guys.. you guys are our rhythm section."
ha ha ha, <3 zooey. her voice is fabulous, as is M.Ward's guitaring!

"My eyes are, so bleary
i guess i'm young but i feel so weary.
i try to express it but i think it's all a bore.."

2010-02-27T17:04:00.004+08:00

last wednesday night with mic was amazing, we went to my favourite place which is the kinokuniya bookstore in taka. i can't stop the spread of my lips into smile whenever i see towering, towering shelves-wooden shelves-of books, the vertical strips of fashionable book binds calling out for me through my mind, craving for attention, some catching my eye. if i sound like a geek then that's exactly what i am.
on the 'Special Collections' shelf i saw a newly released collectors set of Murakami's books, and i pointed excitedly to mic, 'look, they sell murakami's books in a set now!' i've borrowed and read most of his books from the library but i'd really like to buy them, because i like having these good books on my own shelf.

Haji lane is definitely The place to hangout at nighttime. even foreigners know that; there was a bunch of westerners chatting merrily at the table behind us as we ate dinner at blue jaz. we were trying to guess their nationality from their accent. i identified english, initially, but it sounded at some point american, australian, californian........ it was mind-boggling, till mic proposed that perhaps the bunch consisted of people from different places. ha ha ha, who could argue against that.

the eclectic furnishing and artistic ornaments at blue jaz, and the laid-back atmosphere of Haji lane reminds me of the life i wish to lead and also a book i am currently reading, that is 'On the road' by Jack Kerouac.
the mad bums who pioneered the 'beat' generation, philosophers in their own rights, hurling themselves headfirst into anything that Life throws at them.
which reminds me of my friends :)

"They rushed down the street together, digging everything in the early way they had, which later became so much sadder and perceptive and blank. But then they danced down the streets like dingledodies, and i shambled after as i've been doing all my life after the people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars..."

Oh and Happy Birthday Jonathan :)

2010-02-25T17:32:00.004+08:00

i'm feeling a little under the weather and underappreciated, by the people who matter so much so much. it should seem odd that i would receive that needed comfort from the least expected people, people whom i almost never utter a single word to in a day. Amirah and Afiqah, who lifted my spirits by calling out 'Cheryl!' so readily, as if they were at least glad to see me.
Sheena Yi Jun Wei Ren, you guys i never lost faith in:) also Tiong Ho Jung Tze Kok Nam whom together made my day. GP turned out to be a blast anyway although we earned ourselves some hardcore pissed off faces for laughing so maniacally.

today i walked away and that was that. you didnt even notice because you were too damn busy entertaining your friends... heartfelt chats with yj during chem practicals and lectures affirmed that i am right. i'm thinking of things i'm afraid to think because i shouldn't, i'm feeling some things that make me feel like i'm terrible. that word sums it up; everything is just too terrible. but i. am. right. "so what if you're right..?"
today i walked away from your sight. tomorrow i walk away from your mind.

it pains me and that is why i am here typing this, my fingers like frantic spiders on the keyboard. when i am in pain all i want to do is write. is there something about you that i still don't understand? it's the age old question of Prozac Nation: "when you look at me do you see me? if i suddenly disappear would you realise..?"

2010-02-23T23:08:00.006+08:00

A VERY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LING YU!!!

sorry this is a day late, because i was so very sick- near fainting-point- yesterday!
our friendship dates back a long 6 years now, and it has been the most tempestuous and exhausting journey, at least in secondary school.
also one that i am most proud of :) because we, we got through it all and survived;
we are entirely confident that nothing more can come between our friendship; we are friends for life.

we met in primary 5, and i will always remember the first day of school when we boarded the same bus going to cedar girls' and i waved to you but you completely didn't recognise me. YOU EVEN TURNED TO HANIS AND ASKED HER IF SHE KNEW ME OF COURSE SHE DIDN'T AND SAID 'NO' but being the ever polite senior that she is, she waved back.

we took to each other quickly though, because you were mad and in my heart i was also mad. we went on our mad frenzied rampages and boy, we were on a roll! we skipped around school with locked arms and soon got rumors flying about us being lesbians. we "gladly" confirmed it for our own comic humour; we didn't care, didn't give a hoot.

there is so much history in that span of 6 years, and true to history, it was absolutely dramatic. in mid- secondary 1 to secondary 2 i hated you and absolutely couldn't stand you, in mid- secondary 3 to secondary 4 the situation was reversed. thank goodness every time we managed to grapple our way into the light. into each others' light. our innumerable heart-to-heart talks outside 7-11 at playgrounds and void decks, how we always patiently try to understand each others' minds... we never lost the true meaning of being true friends, and we never allow each other to stray too far from the path of goodness.

<3 u darling